If My Dog Were President…

If my dog were President…

He would require mandatory naps between 10am and 5pm.

He would require his chief of staff to put a blanket in every room in the Oval Office.

He would tax the American people in the form of socks.

He would conduct press conferences from under the bed.

He would growl at journalists and refuse to let his aides get the brown gunk out of his eye.

If my dog were President he would improve trade relations with Cuba and import twice as many cigars. Dogs everywhere would be required to learn fingerpicking on guitar.

If my dog were President he would bark at new visitors to the White House and sometimes need to be put in time out.

If my dog were president he would not build a wall on the Mexican border because he would know that cats would jump over the wall anyway.

He would dress up in a little green commander-in-chief jacket and lie on the tarmac at the airport to welcome the troops back from Iraq.

He would lie on his back and wriggle around to scratch it during decisive diplomatic meetings. He would also spend some of these meetings sleeping next to diplomats, enjoying their body warmth.

He would procure professional dog services in Washington to come in and shampoo him and clip his claws. This, too, would sometimes happen during diplomatic meetings.

He would set up kibble dispensing stations throughout the White House, and wander under the table during state banquets to sniff for food.

He would have a cat flap installed in the Oval Office and periodically nip outside to mark the grounds.

He would dictate press releases and make executive orders from on top of the couch, looking out over the White House grounds.

Meetings with staff would pause when a cat entered the room to allow the President to perform sniffing rituals.

The President would often need to be reminded about protocol regarding other people’s food. And other dogs’ food. And other cats’ good.

As President my dog would decline to drink or smoke.

As President my dog would not decline an offer of sausages or cheese at any conceivable time.

He would reform the electoral college voting system to swing heavily in favour of states with blankets.

He would microchip all members of his cabinet and pass legislation to restrict cats’ rights, beginning with cat curfews. Gaudy cat scarves to scare away native birds would be mandatory.

If my dog were President he would authorize covert missions to cat-heavy populaces where cats would be interrogated firmly but with fair treatment.

If my dog were President he would require poetry readings during the half time at the Super Bowl – favouring the romantic poets.

He would organize street mime conventions for dogs and appoint cats as judges.

He would put owls out in charge of government administration and authorize rats to reform the postal system.

Pet food company executives would be required to retrain as florists.

Cronyism would be in.


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